| The Need To Be Thin Is Always On My Mind's Journal |
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The Need To Be Thin Is Always On My Mind
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| Sorry, You Guys! |
[23 Jul 2006|11:41pm] |
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mood |
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 chipper |
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music |
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A LOUD fan |
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I hope nobody was counting on my presence or anything the last few weeks. I have been living a crazy life, back and forth constantly. I can't ever keep up with where I'm supposed to be next. JEEZ! Anyway, this is just so you know that I am alive. Sorry, if I scared anybody. I'll be trying harder to stop by at least once a day.
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| She's Got It |
[19 Jun 2006|08:31pm] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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music |
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None |
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Today has been really good, but as I write this, I have to pee.
( And Venus was her name. )
What the fuck would make a person act like that?
Well, I'm getting her the My First Barbie and My First Ken from 1989, so there!
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| Look At the New Road! |
[16 Jun 2006|11:09am] |
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mood |
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 blah |
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music |
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Does the whirring of the computer count? |
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I feel sick again. I seem to feel that way a lot.
( Mater trusts you. )
Um. I feel slightly better than I did (mentally). My head hurts, though, and I really want a vacation. -shakes head- I do nothing all day and I say I need a vacation. I MUST be a loony!
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| I Am Emotional, We Know This |
[14 Jun 2006|11:49pm] |
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mood |
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 cranky |
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I am so close to just giving up. I'm tired of taking medicine. I'm tired of caring too much and trying too hard. I'm tired of thinking. I just want to be okay without all the pills. Why can't I just be okay? Oh, and I'm tired of trying and failing. I keep failing myself and I'm sick of it. I wish I wasn't fat. I wish I wasn't lazy.I wish I looked polished. I wish I wasn't blonde. I wish all these things and I never do anything about it. I wish I could just be happy the way I am.. I wish I could tell Kyle what I'm feeling. And I wish he would care. I wish I had somebody to hold and to have without any expectations from them or for them. I wish my life was as great as I think it is. I wish I wasn't hurting. I wish I really liked this house. I wish I could stop pretending. I want whiter teeth and a straighter smile. I want smaller boobs and a smaller waist. I want to be a perfect skeleton girl. I want to be 5 foot 8 or taller. I want so much, but I can't have it. I want to stop wanting what I can't have, or enough guts to just take it. GRRR!
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[13 Jun 2006|09:57pm] |
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mood |
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 okay |
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music |
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Nothing |
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I feel bloaty and gassy and just plain not good. Hopefully tomorrow will be okay.
( It will never be the same between us. )
What else? Camryn turns 3 in about a week. I can't believe I'm the mother of a three-year-old. THAT is scary!
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[09 Jun 2006|08:31pm] |
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mood |
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 calm |
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music |
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The Spongebob Squarepants Movie |
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I'm feeling better today. As you can tell, I didn't stay awake much after I put Camryn to bed. She was too much yesterday. I hope I can get her outside today. That seems to work at getting her tired.
( We are one )
I REALLY want my computer. This keyboard fucks me up. BLAH!
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[08 Jun 2006|07:14pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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music |
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People moving around |
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I'm soooo sleepy! I have like 834098234 things to do and I can barely think. I spent most of today watching DVDs with my oldest daughter. She's too funny! I love her to death. Any other time she would be playing all day long, but today she just wanted to watch movies. I guess it was okay. I fell asleep during a few of them. I'm just so tired! Tonight I ought to sleep like a well-fed baby.
I haven't eaten that much today. It takes strength to eat. I don't have much. Right now little fingers keep moving the mouse. I will have to wait until she goes to bed to write. I hope I can stay awake that long!
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| Okay, Not Cool |
[06 Jun 2006|05:11pm] |
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mood |
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 weird |
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music |
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Nothing |
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I just got done telling people over at ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif) 0xsacredheartx0 how great I feel and now I feel nauseated. Isn't great when your body makes you a liar?
( Don't tell my heart )
UGH! Right after I lie down. I am making way too many mistakes trying to type this up. I HATE YOU, KEYBOARD!
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| Bialystock and Bloom... |
[04 Jun 2006|11:28pm] |
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mood |
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tired |
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music |
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The dishwasher |
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Post-nasal drip is awful. It sucks like a vacuum cleaner. Seriously. I hate it.
( The Lion's Den )
NIGHTY NIGHT!
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| One Of These Days |
[02 Jun 2006|01:40am] |
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mood |
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tired |
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music |
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NONE! |
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One of these days I'm actually going to use a voice post. Just you watch.
Anyway, I was feeling a lot more energized today than I have recently, but now I am pooped. I hope I sleep as well tonight as I did last night. I should. I am going to bed with a full stomach. Don't worry. It is full of soup!
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| Damn You, Akeelah! |
[01 Jun 2006|09:26pm] |
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mood |
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 annoyed |
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music |
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Nothing |
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Today is day 2 of my SHD and it is ending none too soon. It is so hard when everybody around you doesn't seem to care.
( The first cut is the deepest. )
UGH! I really think I'll be going to bed really early tonight.
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| SICK! |
[30 May 2006|04:52pm] |
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mood |
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 sick |
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I think I'm going to cry. Why do I feel so sick? Am I actually sick, or am I making myself feel sick? I'm nauseated and dizzy. I don't understand! Somebody save me! -cries-
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| I Feel Like Puking |
[30 May 2006|02:29pm] |
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mood |
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blah |
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I am really tired and hungry. I just want to sleep all day. I've been joining communities today to help myself. I will be starting the sacred heart diet tomorrow. That's going to be VERY interesting. I'm going to have to go shopping at some point today. I wonder how much money I have.
Anyway, I just ate. I feel very bad. I just realized that I have issues with wasting food. While wasting food is bad, I shouldn't force myself to eat it so that I won't waste it. That's what I've been doing, and it's wrong. I need to learn to stop doing that. I also need to come up with some rules for "breaks." This could get VERY interesting. Well, I'm off to do something for someone. I'll probably be back later to update on my progress or there lack of.
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| LOOOOOOOSER! |
[30 May 2006|11:53am] |
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mood |
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annoyed |
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I feel a little better this morning. My nose is all stuffed up, but that's how it usually is. I already ate like crazy this morning. I feel horrid. I hope my period ends soon, or I'm going to cry. It's only the second day and I'm ready to burst. It's very light compared to what they used to be, but I still hate them. -GROAN- There is so much going on right now, it's nuts. If my grandmother doesn't get off my back about moving, though, I'm going to go ballistic. And then I will probably stress eat. Stress eating=bad I have so many bad habits when it comes to eating. I need to learn how to stress exercise. I'm such a lazy fat tub of lard, though, I'm not sure I could. I'd probably be winded in seconds. My muscles still hurt from going up and down the steps almost a week ago. I'm such a bum! I frustrate myself to no end. What am I supposed to do?
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| We Need a Forklift Here! |
[30 May 2006|12:29am] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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music |
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nope |
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So, I haven't gone to bed like I said I would, and I am sitting here drinking a coke. It's like my second or third today. BAD! Very bad! I just feel so horrible! I want to puke, but I know I can't. There's no way I can force myself. The finger thing doesn't work, thinking of sick images doesn't work, choking doesn't work, nothing works. Sure, it makes me gag like crazy, but that's it. I HATE gagging! I'm about thisclose to trying coke (the drug) or something just to stop the eating. That would be so nice! If I could just stop wanting to eat. It's fucking sick how much I eat. I'm a fucking pig! I hate myself for saying so, but it's true. I eat everything in sight, just about. I mean, I'm still pretty picky, but what I do eat, I eat too much. CONSTANTLY. It's awful. AWFUL! It makes me cry some nights. I have cried myself to sleep over it some many times, I have lost count. One day, one day. I'm going to get control over myself one day. I hope it comes soon. I really do. I don't know how much longer I can live like this. I really don't. My heart's going to quit pumping pretty soon. I don't want that to happen while I'm still fat! GAH! I don't want them to need extra pallbearers! That'd be insanely embarrassing. You know my soul would be in limbo or whatever watching, crying from the embarrassment. "Wait a minute, boys! Don't try to lift her, yet! She's too heavy. I think we're going to need a forklift!" That'd kill me, kind of, not really, considering I'd already be dead, but you get my drift. Okay, now I'm REALLY going to go to bed.
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| I Have No Bones! |
[29 May 2006|11:49pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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music |
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The Silence is Ear-splitting |
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I wish I could be thin. I must utter these words to myself at least once a day. I'll try anything to be thin. ANYTHING! You have no idea. I wish I could be ana day after day after day. I can't. I'm hypo-glycemic and would probably pass out after one or two days of trying it. It sucks! BAD! I'd do bulimia, but I spent probably 3408092483 hours of my child-hood puking up my guts. I used to be horribly lactose-intolerant, and couldn't get off the cheese. Cheese used to be like secks to me. I think it still kinda is...almost. What is my malfunction? I've never told anybody my real weight. I'm too ashamed of it. I'd probably die of embarrassment if I did. So, anyway, I've decided that enough is enough. I need help. And I don't mean doctor help, I need real help. The doctor doesn't think it's that bad, but I'm telling you, I need gastric by-pass. BAD! I feel horrible for saying it, but it's true. I just don't know what to do any more. I'm tired of looking and feeling horrible. I think I'm going to go to bed soon. Maybe I can get my mind off of it. BLARG!
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